Totally Heart no Kuni no Rosary!
by EarthRiddle
Summary: A ridiculous parody of the Alice games. Rosary finds herself in Wonderland...but nobody has low enough standards to love her. What's a girl to do?


A stupid, mindless sorta parody of the Alice games. The characters are intentionally and totally OOC. Don't take seriously. I didn't. Seriously. I wrote it in five minutes. EFFORT.

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><p>Rosary Arita was part Japanese, part English and part American, a combination that made her irresistible to be pulled down rabbit holes into strange Wonderlands.<p>

Which is exactly what happened at exactly twelve o'clock on Sunday.

She found herself atop a tall tower, wind whipping her blonde-auburn hair into her pale face, the tiled ground hard beneath her delicate feet. Before her was a righteously hot dude with rabbit ears.

He had a very serious expression on his face, and held up between his fingers a small bottle containing a strange liquid. He shook it as he exclaimed with a very serious expression, "I am now going to make out with you and use this bottle as a thin excuse!"

Rosary's amber eyes sparkled. "Really! I get to make out with totally hot rabbit dudes with no consequences because this is a dream?"

"Of course, Alice-" Then Peter's words stopped suddenly, and he furiously looked past Rosary, even going so far as to knock her down to the ground. "I wasn't talking to you germ! I swear I saw Alice behind you."

"What? No kissing?"

Peter glared at her, adjusting his glasses on his nose. "You're Rosary, right?"

"Yep!"

"Mother of God."

Rosary stared at him curiously.

"Mother of God," Peter repeated, staring at the heavens. "You're only purpose here is to be hated. Nobody will ever touch you. Matter of fact, touching causes Roleholders to break out into hives. They are literally allergic to you."

"Allergic!"

"That's what I said! Now shoo! Alice is scheduled to come here in five minutes and I can't be late for my dear, wonderful, beautiful angel! We have a private molest session!"

Rosary watched as he skipped off, lost in thoughts of love and romance.

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><p>She traveled down deep through the Tower, the staircase seemingly endless beneath her feet until she came across a tall door fringed in golden metal. On its sturdy front was a clock, ticking away forever with a intermittent sound.<p>

"Ooooh!" She smiled and burst through without even knocking.

There she faced a small, cluttered room littered with clocks, papers and books. There was a man at a desk, bent over its mechanical innards, picking at it with a small tool.

He took one look up, and his expression was filled with such disgust that she suddenly felt very small.

"Hi! I'm Rosary. I need a place to stay. Can I stay here so we engage in awkward romantic tension kept apart only by your insecurities?"

Julius threw a clock at her. "Eww! Vagina! Begone!"

"Okay, whatever. I'll leave you to your virgin sanctum. Wouldn't want you to lose your virginity by just looking at me."

He threw another clock. "You twit, I'm working! You're interrupting my prolonged virginity!"

Rosary left in tears. Little did she know that the moment she left Julius turned on his television and watched Monty Python, still eternally working on his clocks, stopping only to roll a Dungeons and Dragons character and wondering why he was still a virgin.

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><p>Rosary left the Clock Tower wondering why nobody could see how hot and lovable she was. She walked along a dirt path through an oddly placed forest. The trees loomed over her, their shadows flicking across the way in front of her.<p>

Then-boom!-a guy with no standards in women, who would do absolutely anything female or Julius, came by and pinned her to a tree. She found herself against the bark, suspended above the ground, held only by his hands.

It was Ace!

"Hey, there~" He grinned.

"You're going to molest me, aren't you?'

"Only if you ask!"

She squirmed. "Nooooo! Don't! I'm fifty percent virginal!"

"What happened to this other fifty percent?" Ace wagged his eyebrows.

Rosary just giggled before remembering she had to be wholesome. "No! We can't! It's so _wrong!"_

_"_I'm sorry. I don't speak English. I only know Japanese and sex!"

"Me too! Except for the Japanese part…but you can teach me sex!"

Ace stopped. He still held her suspended against the tree, but he looked at her weirdly. "Woah, there. You're just a little too eager for me. I prefer them to be squirming and spitting in my eye a little."

"But that's rape!"

"Welcome to Wonderland! Rape's just another way we say 'hello!'"

"Say 'hello' to me! Say it!"

"…eh?"

She only giggled, forgetting again that she was supposed to be a virginal, wholesome girl.

"Boring!" Ace decided, dropping the girl to the ground with a hard thump.

She rubbed her sore rump, glaring at him indignantly.

He began to wander around in circles, peering under small rocks and into bushes. "Alice? Oh, Alice? Where are you!"

Rosary's face fell. Did nobody love her?

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><p>Nobody loved her. Facing this ultimate fact, Rosary reverse jumped back up the rabbit hole to her world where everyone still hated her.<p>

Apparently not even a Wonderland could make her likable.

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><p>I play Dungeons and Dragons. I wouldn't be terribly shocked if Julius did, too. He just…he seems to be the type. He and Ace probably get together every weekend and play. Julius plays a wizard. Ace tries to play a paladin, but ends up screwing up his alignment by level 2 and becoming a standard fighter. Oh ho ho~<p>

If you don't know what Dungeons and Dragons is just ignore the joke. I'm only amusing myself here.


End file.
